Silence
by RavennaTremaine
Summary: It's in the moments of silence that everything changes. A series of moments in the life of Remus Lupin. These drabbles are in no particular order. I would love some feedback.
1. Chapter 1

Summer 1976

You've awaken from another transformation with pain so intense it leaves your ears ringing and head swimming. Then then there is only silence.

The very air around you seems to be dead.

You move your arms slightly; afraid of what you will feel. There is only soft grass underneath you and you know you're not where you should be.

A panicked feeling begins to fill you.

You feel as if no one in the world will ever know this terror as you do. Sweat begins to pour from your brow and your eyes are clenched tight and you never want to open them.

Your hand shake violently and you fight the urge to vomit while shaking your head from side to side. You cant do this. It's this moment that you hate the most from transformation. Pain is one thing. The fear that one day your nightmare will come true is all too real.

You have no idea what you could awaken to.

What you may have done. Who you may have harmed. Or killed.

And you clench your eyes tighter, and briefly contemplate giving up and lying there forever. Until you sink into the ground and into death. You know its absurd. But in this moment of terror and panic, you wish for the silence to continue forever.

But the silence is broken when you hear a high pitched scream in the distance. This is your worst nightmare come true. It is actually happening.

You have a choice to make. And you don't want to be brave; you want to be a coward. You really just want to look out for number one. But you, Remus, are a better man than this.

In a way, opening your eyes every month is the bravest thing you will ever do. And that in this small way, you've has earned the right to be called a Griffindor.

You open your eyes and see bright blue above you but the brightness stings your eyes and you shield them with your hand.

Suddenly you sit up; too quickly and you almost black out. You immediately recognize your surroundings.

This is the edge of a neighboring property that you have been to many time before with your father. You peer over the tall grass and have to squint into the distance to make out the sight before you. Your heart leaps with joy at the macabre scene. Before the reality comes back and makes you empty your stomach. No one was hurt. No human that is.

The unfortunate incident was blamed on stray dogs.


	2. Chapter 2

At headquarters November 1st, 1980.

It is very early morning and the sun is not quite ready to begin it's ascent.

You returned from a mission a few minutes before and are now moving quickly and efficiently through headquarters. Because you are between moons, you are currently at your best so you are stealthy and light on your feet. Because you are considerate, you do not want to wake anyone.

Also, you're fairly certain Sirius is upstairs sleeping off his latest mission. The last thing you need is his most recent attack on your character. And you still feel deep down that he must be behind James's and Lilly's problems.

Whenever you think this, you get a twinge inside as if your conscience is scolding you. But your logic tells you it has to be true.

Sirius always was the dark one. The one with daddy issues. And mommy issues. Self esteem issues. Power issues.

He's shown himself to be capable of cruelty and a disregard for even his closest friends. He had almost gotten Snape killed. He had almost made you a murderer. The Sirius you knew seemed so far past these things though. But maybe you don't know him at all…..

You grab parchment, ink, and a few maps from the main study and make your way into the kitchen to write up your latest report for Dumbledore. You distractedly make tea while going over your maps and as you sit down you pull out chocolate from your pocket and take a small bite.

You become so engrossed in your report that you do not at first hear the slow and steady footsteps approaching. You pause to listen. The footsteps are deliberate and are the opposite of stealthy but you can not be too careful these days, so you draw your wand anyway and point to the doorway.

Your face is suddenly lit with recognition and you lower your wand and give a small smile to Dumbledore.

"Albus. I was just writing up the report now. Should be done in just a moment. Can I get you a cup?" you ask while motioning to your tea.

He gave a barely perceptible shake of his head and you pause for a second and look at him. Something has happened. You know it's so because his eyes are not bright and sparkling; they are dark and cloudy and the lines on his face are more deeply etched than you have ever seen. He looks to be in almost physical pain and so you grab him a chair and ask him to sit.

" I'm fine Remus. I've come here to tell you something…."

You pause. You take in the silence of the headquarters. You make out a clock ticking somewhere in the background. You begin to bite your lip and you know something horrible has happened. Your hand shakes as it runs through your hair. You don't want to hear the news. You don't want to hear it. You really don't want to hear it. But almost as if a magnet is pulling the question from your lungs, the words come spewing out of their own accord.

"For god's sake Albus. What in the world happened?"

All is quiet for a few moments. And then he places his hand on your shoulder. Your head begins to shake back and forth. Your own voice echoes in your head. "No. No don't say it.." And he doesn't want to say it either. He doesn't want to break you.

When he's finished you wish the silence had never been broken. Because the reality was far worse than you could have imagined.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors Note: Feedback please? Good or bad. Pretty pretty please?

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She leaned back away from you and gave you a shy smile. An amused smile. Then a slightly concerned smile.

"Are you going to say something?" she asks you slowly.

You seem to be frozen in place. Like some sort of statue. A daft statue. And you're fairly certain you should be reassuring her that what just happened was something you very much enjoyed. Something you would love a repeat performance of. But suddenly you're flustered and the only sounds to escape your mouth are something along the lines of uh, um, and er. Which is hardly the expression of love you were thinking of.

You let out a frustrated sigh and look up as if there was magically something written on the ceiling that could help you out. You gather as much strength as the ceiling affords, look back at her, and note her confused expression.

She had kissed you. She had shocked the words right out of you. So you did the only thing you could think of to do. You kissed her back.


	4. Chapter 4

You wonder why it is that Death can be so quiet? Everything leading up to death can be overwhelming and brutal and heartbreaking. Death has been lurking around every corner with you all here in the Department of Mysteries. It has waiting with baited breath to snatch one of you.

But then Death arrives and as gently as a soft breeze it takes it's victim. A loud laugh interrupted. A soft whoosh as he falls behind the curtain. A moment of stunned silence before the reality returns and you are grabbing onto Harry for dear life so Death wont claim another victim.

Moments before he fell, Sirius was full of life. And everything that encompassed. Love, joy, sorrow, anger. Sirius wore his feelings on his sleeve. You and he were opposites in that manner. And as he fell, in that moment life stood still for you. You registered the feelings of shock and remorse you felt before they were shoved down deep so you could finish the fight. You register the brief feeling of panic; panic of loosing a friend all over again.

When the fight is over and members of the Order are regrouping in Grimmauld, it is with whispers and tip toeing. As if Death could somehow find you all. As if everyone were frightened of angering it. As if speaking of it aloud were as taboo as Voldemort's name once was.

You suppose some people feel it is a sign of respect for Sirius. But don't they know? Sirius hated the silence. Whispering in the dark was not the way Sirius lived. Out loud and with gusto is how Sirius preferred to spend his moments. Sirius was aware that once you let silence in, it wasn't long before the depression sets in and the silence becomes all encompassing. You know all about this yourself, don't you? Stony silences in empty buildings?

But you all gather up the Order's information and personal belongings. Clumsily and quickly, but thoroughly. And as you close the door behind you, you say a silent goodbye to your friend.


	5. Chapter 5

Your life is no longer filled with noise.

Only a few months ago your life was awash with a cacophony of sounds. There was a war going on and violence is neither quiet nor calm. Hate is very vocal and anger is very loud. And everyday seemed to be louder. Everyday Voldemort's army grew stronger and everyday they became more dangerous. They started attacking in the open instead of in secret. How many screams of terror and pain and death have you encountered in your lifetime? Too many for sure. After a day of this you crave the silence, though you still hear it in your mind.

Your rare days off were spent with your friends. They were an entirely different sort out loud. Harry's screeches of joy made your heart fill to bursting. Hearing his laugh as you tickled him and amused him with cheesy magic tricks. Lilly's sing song voice had the ability to soothe your nerves. And even James's serious and probing questionings of the war only made you feel connected. It meant he was still there. That they were all still safe.

Before your rift with Sirius, he always managed to bring life and laughter and fun into any encounter. Add a bottle of fire whiskey (which happened many times) and the noise level jumped several decibels. Whether he was singing drinking songs, bragging about his latest conquest, or vehemently denouncing his family, Sirius hated a silent moment. He tried to play it cool, but Sirius could be a ball of nervous energy. Especially near the end. You thought the stress and worry and his need for action was behind it. You feel like a fool for thinking that now. He was only nervous for his own skin. Excited about being able to give his Dark Lord what he wanted most.

And Peter; even quiet mumbling Peter had his own sets of noise. Peter who could never hurt anyone and who worshipped Sirius….. Peter liked to play what-if. It was one of his favorite games. Sometimes the scenarios were silly. More often they were not. It's almost as if he really wanted to know what you would all do in situations. You wonder if he was really only looking for guidance. Some odd sense of moral guidance. You wish everyone had taken Peter more seriously. Even Peter had a way of filling the silence.

But now they are gone. And it's already been two weeks since you've had any human contact. Is this all you have to look forward to? An empty cottage without any sounds of happiness or laughter? Alone in a quiet house with only your thoughts?


	6. Chapter 6

"Dumbledore. There is something you should know. Sirius is an anigamus."

These are the words you did not say. And you hate yourself a little more for not saying them.

Everything worked out for the best though, right? You know Sirius would have been caught and the Dementors would have performed the Kiss. Sirius would be dead. But you didn't know Sirius was innocent when you decided to be silent on the issue, did you? All you knew was that you did not want to tell Albus that you had failed him. You think you're selfish for this, don't you?

You lied to him. Not directly of course, but through omission. Someone could have been hurt. Harry could have been killed. You were silent on the subject and now you are full of guilt. Why can't you let it go now that everything has worked out for the best and you have your friend back?

Because you think it was your cowardiceness that almost got everyone killed. Because you always thought you were better than that. But when you were tested, you feel as if you failed. You cant even be mad about what happened that night. You're just upset about why. You think the whole thing happened because of you. Because of your weakness. And because of your silence.


	7. Chapter 7

April, 1997

He has spent the majority of his life in the moments between action.

He is not even forty yet; young for a wizard. He lived to fight two wars. He has lived through the deaths of his closest friends, his mentor, and his enemies.

He has lived long enough to see Lilly and James's son grow up to be a fine young man.

He has lived a life punctuated with monthly terrors and prejudice. He has lived to see hate directed at him. And he has lived long enough to lose all hope, and to regain it in the end.

These are the events that have defined his life, shaped his world view, and made him who he is.

But if you combined all of these things, they actually took up a very small fraction of his life. The majority of his life was spent waiting. Most of the days in his life have been quiet, lonely, even a bit dull.

Now between his wife and son, there never seems to be a moment of silence.

Once again, his life is bursting with noise. Laughter, and lullabies. Cries of joy and of sorrow. Tonks sweet voice singing to his son. His own raspy voice reading to him quietly in the early morning. The almost daily crash of Tonks breaking one thing or another with her endearing clumsiness.

He soaks it all in with a happy sigh.


End file.
